Trying to Lose

February 26, 2006

Christania, Denmark

-I'm Vance Reemer, reporting here from Christania, Denmark the site of the world's free olympiad. As you know, here at the Free Olympics the athletes aren't "pound"ed into submission by the world doping agency and are free to use any substance they want to enhance their performance. As promised, with me here is mr. Cocker Tfoak, head of the rules committee of these first free games.
First of all, can I call you Tfoak?
-Tfoak isn't really my family name, over generations we've had so many hyphonated names in my family that I now just go by an acronym.
-Oh, is that true? And what does it stand for?
-Two-fifths-of-a-kilogram.
-I can see why you go by Tfoak. How 'bout Cocker, is that an acronym too?
-No, my name is actually Cock but as "Head of the rules committee of the free olympiad" I aim to become a very recognizable public figure so I lengthened the name to avoid any unnecessary mocking in the press.
-Well, I suppose that's very responsible of you.
-What, lengthening my name?
-No, aiming to be a recognizable public figure. Your role as the head of the rules committee at the free olympics is a very important one.
-Thank you, I know.
-But I'm confused.
-About what?
-Well you role, exactly what do you do?
-I ensure that the athletes aren't cheating.
-And how might an athlete cheat at the free olympiad?
-Oh there are many ways, but let me give you an example. Yesterday evening as I was making my 7:00pm amphetamine distribution round at the athletes village I caught the American Cross Country Ski team drinking beer and eating pizza with the German women's bobsleigh and ice dancing teams.
-And why mr. Tfoak, is drinking beer and eating pizza considered cheating?
-Well, as you know many unscrupulous nations have used our olympiad as a kind of propaganda tool to demonstrate their supperiority at events where performance enhancing substances are banned.
-How so?
-Well by losing at our event they're attempting to prove that their non-drugged athletes are superior to the ones who use enhancing substances and therefore doping doesn't help them.
-Huh?
-THEY'RE TRYING TO LOSE!
-And you consider this cheating?
-Of course we do! Trying to lose is not the true spirit of the Olympics! You know when I caught those Americans and Germans partying last night (and after curfew I might add!) Not only were they consuming two banned substances but the German bobsledders were conspiring with their ice dance team to switch events! If I hadn't caught them, paying cable subscribers all over the world would have witnessed the ice dance team put the bobsleigh into a pirouette in turn four while Karin, the deft bobsleigh pilot attempted to lift and spin her 200kg brake-woman Olga above her head!
-Well I do see a breach of the rules there, you can't have two women competing together in the ice dance.
-Actually, on account of all the testosterone she's injected Olga has qualified to participate in both women's and men's events.
-So she's clean then.
-As clean as the needles we provide at the safe injection house.
-Wow, it's quite an interesting dilemma you have. Any other interesting situations you've encountered?
-Well the South Koreans only enrolled in events that Japan was guaranteed to medal in because they wanted to prove to the world that the only way the Japanese could beat them was by using drugs. Then they became extremely upset when American short-track speed skating star Apollo Anton-Ono apparently pushed a korean skater over the finish line which caused him to qualify for the 1500m final. And then there's the canadian press who are up in arms over the non-inclusion of Todd Gill on their men's hockey team.
-But Todd Gill must be almost 50 now!
-He is, and he's gotten worse with age. It seems as though if the Canadians don't finish dead last with the greatest negative goal differential the whole country will be thrown into a crisis. Canada only lost 1-0 in their first game to Uzbekastan and allready sports editors all over the country are calling for the resignation of executive director Bob Probert.
-Wow, 1-0 that's a close score. I didn't catch the game, what happened?
-Steve Smith, who qualifies for the games because of his use of Sudafed to control a sinus problem, managed to bank one in off the pad of his own goalie, Grant Fuhr, in the 17th round of a shootout.
-Jeeze! The canadian press will be all over that one, most sports writers I read were calling for a loss by 15 goals or more.
-Well many Canadians feel that mr. Probert should not have even travelled to Denmark with the canadian team because his recent stint in a drug rehabilitation clinic might have a positive effect on them.
-I wonder why the Canadian women's hockey team has been so successful at being woefully awful while the men's have not.
-Their star player carries her little son onto the ice every time they play. With him in her arms she has absolutely no chance to hold a stick, let alone score a goal. In fact the women were so bad that they were thrown a congratulatory party last night where Canadian rock act "The Lowest of the Low" performed.
-How appropriate. I guess you're pretty upset about this Canadian hockey drama taking away from your event.
-Oh quite to the contrary, we felt that we needed as much controversy as possible from the Canadian contingent for the games to be considered legitimate.
-Oh really what else have they done?
-I caught their cross-country team skiing with broken poles and if that isn't enough one member of the team stopped at one point to give a pole to Norwegian coach and that slowed her down even more. And, in the pairs figure skating competition the Canadian pair of Rick Moranis and Rita McNeil have launched a protest after learning that the french judge gave them a score above zero... out of pity.
-Just out of curiosity, since the Canadians are trying to lose, whose music do they dance to?
-Rick's in the free skate and Rita's in the compulsory.
-Good God! The Canadian team should be sent home!
-Oh they're not the only ones causing problems. I sent the Danish police on a wild pursuit through the North Sea and into Sweden after an Austrian men's mission who had infiltrated the athletes village and were trying to lure athletes away from drugs and into the church.
-What happened?
-Of course we caught them and we discovered a dozen bound copies of Gideon's bible in the trunk of their car that they smashed into a police barricade. The bibles we found in the car matched the ones we uncovered in the athletes village.
-How terrible!
-Even the anthem singers got in on the act when the Americans enlisted Bob Dylan to sing the Star Spangled Banner after hearing Neil Young's version of Oh Canada.
-How did those go over?
-They were so bad the networks pulled us from the air for a full two hours. On the plus side though both singers embody the spirit of our games through their long histories of illicit drug use.
-Have there been any other famous people involved with the games, maybe in a feel-good capacity?
-Well it's not feel-good but American biathlete/Vice President Dick Cheney earned the Us it's 5th DNQ of the games by shooting at other competitors rather than the target.
-That must've gotten the networks attention.
-No, they were too consumed with reporting one of histories great role reversals.
-Oh, what was that?
-President Bush was on the sidelines cheering on Vice President Cheney!
-Goodness Gracious! Wow, unbelievable... Anyways, what are the medal standings like so far?
-Well this is the problem, so far nobody has qualified for a medal in any event.
-Who is doing the worst then?
-Canada led with 15 DNQ's going into to today's competition but then we found out that one of their snowboarders didn't actually smoke pot, but only inhaled it at parties where his friends were smoking. Because he doesn't actually use drugs we disqualified him from competition which erased his earned DNQ and put Canada into a tie with Sweden who has 14 DNQ's.
-Will the Canadians protest?
-Yes, they've allready contended that like most pot smokers the athlete in question was lazy and didn't have a job so in order to get his high he intentionally attended so-called "hot box" parties where his friends would fill a room with marijuana smoke and he could inhale for free. What upsets me about this case is that in light of the controversy the athlete has become the poster boy for the Canadian Hemp Clothing company that supplied their country's uniforms and he doesn't even smoke the stuff!!!!
-What drama! With all this controversy surrounding the games, how do you intend to keep the spotlight on you mr. Tfoak?
-That's a good question, I can't keep up. Right now you're the only network that even wants an interview because everyone is at the press conference of the American skier who is trying to connect with the Korean car he was conceived in.
-Wow, now there's a heartwarmer! What has he said so far?
-Just: "Dude, where's my Kia?"
-From the sounds of it he's a good role model for future athletes who may want to participate in your games. Is there anything you'd like to say to the kids out there?
-Yeah. You know, be a kid, have fun, losing isn't everything. These games are a celebration of sport and if you happen to come away with a medal that's ok, it's not the end of the world. We shouldn't put so much pressure on our kids to be mediocre or even bad. The free games aren't about sitting around beers and pizza and relaxing, they're about the kids and the kids showing off what they can really do. So kids if I can say one thing it's: go out there, be a kid, have fun, use drugs and show the rest of the world the true nature of competition and the free olympics!
-Stirring. Well that's all the time we have right now. Thanks again mr. Tfoak and stay tuned for America's favourite new reality show "Who wants to be an Olympian?" where overweight Mid-Westerners move to the US Olympic training facility in Lake Placid, New York and undergo cosmetic surgery in an attempt to motivate them to shed pounds and get in shape for a spot on the US 4-man bobsleigh team in 2010 in Vancouver.