Hooliganism? Don't Curse the English, Blame Canada

Stuttgart, Germany

It seems as though a rash and un-researched International Press were too quick to lay the fault on England for this weekend’s soccer violence, when the real culprits were in fact, Canadians.
Say What?!?
That’s right, the brawl that supposedly erupted between English and German soccer fans was actually started by the Canadian soccer team who had traveled to Germany in an attempt to watch and learn from Canadian born, English midfielder, Owen Hargreaves. The confusion obviously arose because all those that were jailed were wearing Hargreaves’ English team jersey at the time of their arrest.
Irish onlooker Martin O’Brian had this to say: “You know with my country not qualifying for the World Cup the only reason I come to these events is in search of bad things to say about the British, but those Canadians! Let me tell ya! 10 minutes of watching them go at the Germans was enough for me to lay my resentment to rest and thank god we have the Brits as our neighbors.”
It seems as though the fight broke out when the Canadian contingent criticized the German hosted World Cup for its lack of violence. Injured German supporter Hansen Franz believes the Canadians expectations were simply too high: “If you’ve ever witnessed the bloodbath that is an ice hockey game you know what I’m talking about.” Said Franz. “They were upset about the lack of serious injuries and just needed to satisfy their thirst for blood. We only fought back to defend ourselves.”
The Canadians, however, see it a little differently and the sentiments of those in the violent Canadian camp can best be summed up by folk singer and aspiring national team member Gordon “Lightfoot” Lightfoot who, from inside his cell, had only this to say to the Germans: “That’s what you get for shovin’ me!”
When asked about the horrors of spending the night in a German prison with the rest of the rowdy Canadians, Gordon Downey, midfielder and deranged frontman of the Geriatric Canadian rock band ‘The Tragically Replaced Hip’ muttered the following: “Uh, Killa Whale Tank, Uh, Killa Whale Tank, Killa, Killa Whale Tank…” Yee Gats! Horrors! Surely only the prisoners at Gwantanimo Bay can relate!
Canadian team manager Steven Paige who understands his team’s predicament after being held in a Korean jail for being Barenaked at the 2002 tournament said: “If I had a million dollars… I’d post bail for all my players.”
Co-manager Ed Robertson echoed his sentiments: “I’d post bail for all my players…”
The pair later admitted that this may not be possible as a witty bit of improve during a Friday night concert at a Hanover Brothel has really done them in financially. “After Steven sang ‘If I had a million dollars’, I thought it would be funny to say ‘I’d pay the salaries of the Togolese’” said a dejected Robertson.
“And then I added ‘and buy them all the Kraft Dinner they could ever dream of!’” added a clearly distraught Paige. After a pause and a quick look away to hide a looming tear Paige continued: “Well as fate would have it, Otto Pfister was there and he took us up on the offer. I mean jeeze, what were we thinking?!? It was an all ages show! At a brothel! Of course Otto was gonna be there!”
The controversy doesn’t stop with the Canadians in Germany though, it seems that in support of their jailed players Canadian soccer fans in the homeland have rallied together and started a mass emailing campaign aimed at filling FIFA’s bandwidth and shutting down their server. When questioned about the possibility of banning Canadian IP addresses from his website, FIFA president Seth Blatter had this to say: “Dude! How many serious Canadian soccer fans are there? Like 7? Maybe 8? My son takes up more of my bandwidth downloading those horribly longs songs by their nasally troubadour Neil ‘Not so’ Young.”
Well it’s not all bad in the Canadian soccer scene these days, it seems as though rapper Snow has used his single name status to infiltrate the Brazilian soccer camp and has turned informer for the Germans. “Oh it’s a great success” said Snow in a sausage vendor’s uniform outside the Brazilian hotel. “Once I found out where they were staying, the Germans positioned me here and my schnitzels have contributed to a 5 kilo increase in Ronaldo’s weight ever since!”

With files from the International Press, 2006.