Hooliganism? Don't Curse the English, Blame Canada

Stuttgart, Germany

It seems as though a rash and un-researched International Press were too quick to lay the fault on England for this weekend’s soccer violence, when the real culprits were in fact, Canadians.
Say What?!?
That’s right, the brawl that supposedly erupted between English and German soccer fans was actually started by the Canadian soccer team who had traveled to Germany in an attempt to watch and learn from Canadian born, English midfielder, Owen Hargreaves. The confusion obviously arose because all those that were jailed were wearing Hargreaves’ English team jersey at the time of their arrest.
Irish onlooker Martin O’Brian had this to say: “You know with my country not qualifying for the World Cup the only reason I come to these events is in search of bad things to say about the British, but those Canadians! Let me tell ya! 10 minutes of watching them go at the Germans was enough for me to lay my resentment to rest and thank god we have the Brits as our neighbors.”
It seems as though the fight broke out when the Canadian contingent criticized the German hosted World Cup for its lack of violence. Injured German supporter Hansen Franz believes the Canadians expectations were simply too high: “If you’ve ever witnessed the bloodbath that is an ice hockey game you know what I’m talking about.” Said Franz. “They were upset about the lack of serious injuries and just needed to satisfy their thirst for blood. We only fought back to defend ourselves.”
The Canadians, however, see it a little differently and the sentiments of those in the violent Canadian camp can best be summed up by folk singer and aspiring national team member Gordon “Lightfoot” Lightfoot who, from inside his cell, had only this to say to the Germans: “That’s what you get for shovin’ me!”
When asked about the horrors of spending the night in a German prison with the rest of the rowdy Canadians, Gordon Downey, midfielder and deranged frontman of the Geriatric Canadian rock band ‘The Tragically Replaced Hip’ muttered the following: “Uh, Killa Whale Tank, Uh, Killa Whale Tank, Killa, Killa Whale Tank…” Yee Gats! Horrors! Surely only the prisoners at Gwantanimo Bay can relate!
Canadian team manager Steven Paige who understands his team’s predicament after being held in a Korean jail for being Barenaked at the 2002 tournament said: “If I had a million dollars… I’d post bail for all my players.”
Co-manager Ed Robertson echoed his sentiments: “I’d post bail for all my players…”
The pair later admitted that this may not be possible as a witty bit of improve during a Friday night concert at a Hanover Brothel has really done them in financially. “After Steven sang ‘If I had a million dollars’, I thought it would be funny to say ‘I’d pay the salaries of the Togolese’” said a dejected Robertson.
“And then I added ‘and buy them all the Kraft Dinner they could ever dream of!’” added a clearly distraught Paige. After a pause and a quick look away to hide a looming tear Paige continued: “Well as fate would have it, Otto Pfister was there and he took us up on the offer. I mean jeeze, what were we thinking?!? It was an all ages show! At a brothel! Of course Otto was gonna be there!”
The controversy doesn’t stop with the Canadians in Germany though, it seems that in support of their jailed players Canadian soccer fans in the homeland have rallied together and started a mass emailing campaign aimed at filling FIFA’s bandwidth and shutting down their server. When questioned about the possibility of banning Canadian IP addresses from his website, FIFA president Seth Blatter had this to say: “Dude! How many serious Canadian soccer fans are there? Like 7? Maybe 8? My son takes up more of my bandwidth downloading those horribly longs songs by their nasally troubadour Neil ‘Not so’ Young.”
Well it’s not all bad in the Canadian soccer scene these days, it seems as though rapper Snow has used his single name status to infiltrate the Brazilian soccer camp and has turned informer for the Germans. “Oh it’s a great success” said Snow in a sausage vendor’s uniform outside the Brazilian hotel. “Once I found out where they were staying, the Germans positioned me here and my schnitzels have contributed to a 5 kilo increase in Ronaldo’s weight ever since!”

With files from the International Press, 2006.

Shotgun Diplomacy Finaly Comes Through for Bush in Dokdo/Takeshema Controversy

Pyongyang- Troubled by the imminent possibility of a North Korean missile test, President Bush has made the first diplomatic decision of his career that is supported by most of his peers. With trouble looming between Japan and North Korea over the test, the doors to diplomacy between the two nations were opened last weekend by a surprisingly enthusiastic American contingent.
“I just had a harebrained idea and without Rummi around to tell me I was wrong I decided to pitch it.” Said Bush before throngs of supporters at a United Nations Gala Monday.
“As you know our military is fairly busy right now.” He continued to a chorus of laughs “And all reports out of Asia tell us that those crazy Koreans won’t shut up about that stupid rock out there in the middle of the ocean, which continues to escalate Korean/Japanese tensions. It would be a drastic blow to our armed forces should a conflict arise in the southeast, so I got ‘em all together and told the North Koreans to go ahead with their test just as long as they aim it at the rock.”
It seems as though the South Koreans got on board right away.
“They just said: ‘Let’s give it to ‘em after all, let them re-name it Takeshema and when the North blows it up it’ll go along way towards helping with our re-unifications plan’”. Said a beeming Bush.
The Japanese who seemed to have little or no idea about a rock in the waters between the two countries agreed simply because the missiles were no longer going to be fired over their country.
Possibly the only person opposing this great plan is United Nations Ambassador and World Bank Leader runner-up, Bono. The Irishman has recently been campaigning for all of the Asian nations to donate 1% of their GDP in aid to the impoverished citizens of Dokdo. He added: “It seems that throughout history the American way of dealing with things has been to blow it up and this has to stop now!”
When told of these comments, a witty Bush had this to say: “If Bono knew anything about American history he’d know that Martin Luther King Jr. was shot in the afternoon, not the early morning as he claims. The CIA paid good money for that assassination so get it right you bozo!”
That’s telling ‘em Georgy boy!

Korean Pop Princess to English Superstar: "I'm Gonna Get Cha!"

Seoul – Korean pop star Hyori Lee, who was sued this March by attorneys representing Britney Spears for copyright infringement on one of Spears’ songs has reportedly replicated the efforts of the Louisiana beauty once more, this time in the dating arena.
“Oops she…” This reporter doesn’t even want to go there.
Lee was quoted last month as saying: “You know I’m jealous of her. Not because of her musical success but because of her ‘Pabo’ husband.” In Lee’s eye, being married to such a buffoon creates an image of even greater independence and strength for Britney. “Here’s a woman who has reached the absolute pinnacle of success and done it while carrying in tow an absolute lead shot of a husband. Being with Federline makes climbing Suraksan, like Everest and I want people to see me in that light too.”
For Lee, 26, in whose native Korea reaching the age of thirty without being married is punishable by death, the time is now.
And with the world cup of football on televisions around the world these days she didn’t have to look far.
“Prior to the championship I was watching one of those sportscaster prediction shows and when his photo came on screen I instantly sang to myself: ‘Wayne Rooney! I’m Gonna Get Cha!’”
Apparently it was love at first sight. “I saw an interview with him and instantly knew that the only man uglier, stupider and more likely to drag anyone attached to him into the ditch than Kevin Federline, was Wayne Rooney.”
In the time since then Hyori has been fiercely wooing her idiot beau. She reportedly nursed his injured foot back to health in record time by feeding Wayne the Korean hangover drink that she endorses, Beeta Oh Beck (Vita500) and has since been seen rooting for the Englishman in his countries football contests. “When friends see us together they think I’m with Gandolf. And when he speaks they just can’t stop laughing.” Said an absolutely jubilant Lee. “While Kevin has been wasting Britney’s money to chase an unattainable rap contract, Wayne’s been using mine to chase [45 year old Liverpool prostitute] Old Slapper! Together we shall conquer the World!”
And what do most Koreans think about their pop princess chasing a man whose flag so closely resembles that of their bitter enemy the Swiss? Our Australian correspondent, David Smeaton had this to say: “The Koreans are VERY ANGRY.”