Pope Benedict forced to ask: What would Jesus do?

Vatican City - With the upcoming World Cup Semi final game pitting Germany against Italy, our current pope has a very difficult decision to make. Who should he cheer for?
Should he root for Germany, the country of his birth? Or should he be pulling for Italy, the country in which he currently resides?
With Jesus only available to the Pope for more serious questions like what he should do about birth control and gay marriage, this one's gonna be tough.
However, if we leave Jesus out of it for a second and the Pope seeks to only fulfill God's wishes, he could turn to another deity in his own right: The God of song, Mr. Bob Dylan, who would most assuredly remind Benedict that "[...] the Germans have god on their side."

Hooliganism? Don't Curse the English, Blame Canada

Stuttgart, Germany

It seems as though a rash and un-researched International Press were too quick to lay the fault on England for this weekend’s soccer violence, when the real culprits were in fact, Canadians.
Say What?!?
That’s right, the brawl that supposedly erupted between English and German soccer fans was actually started by the Canadian soccer team who had traveled to Germany in an attempt to watch and learn from Canadian born, English midfielder, Owen Hargreaves. The confusion obviously arose because all those that were jailed were wearing Hargreaves’ English team jersey at the time of their arrest.
Irish onlooker Martin O’Brian had this to say: “You know with my country not qualifying for the World Cup the only reason I come to these events is in search of bad things to say about the British, but those Canadians! Let me tell ya! 10 minutes of watching them go at the Germans was enough for me to lay my resentment to rest and thank god we have the Brits as our neighbors.”
It seems as though the fight broke out when the Canadian contingent criticized the German hosted World Cup for its lack of violence. Injured German supporter Hansen Franz believes the Canadians expectations were simply too high: “If you’ve ever witnessed the bloodbath that is an ice hockey game you know what I’m talking about.” Said Franz. “They were upset about the lack of serious injuries and just needed to satisfy their thirst for blood. We only fought back to defend ourselves.”
The Canadians, however, see it a little differently and the sentiments of those in the violent Canadian camp can best be summed up by folk singer and aspiring national team member Gordon “Lightfoot” Lightfoot who, from inside his cell, had only this to say to the Germans: “That’s what you get for shovin’ me!”
When asked about the horrors of spending the night in a German prison with the rest of the rowdy Canadians, Gordon Downey, midfielder and deranged frontman of the Geriatric Canadian rock band ‘The Tragically Replaced Hip’ muttered the following: “Uh, Killa Whale Tank, Uh, Killa Whale Tank, Killa, Killa Whale Tank…” Yee Gats! Horrors! Surely only the prisoners at Gwantanimo Bay can relate!
Canadian team manager Steven Paige who understands his team’s predicament after being held in a Korean jail for being Barenaked at the 2002 tournament said: “If I had a million dollars… I’d post bail for all my players.”
Co-manager Ed Robertson echoed his sentiments: “I’d post bail for all my players…”
The pair later admitted that this may not be possible as a witty bit of improve during a Friday night concert at a Hanover Brothel has really done them in financially. “After Steven sang ‘If I had a million dollars’, I thought it would be funny to say ‘I’d pay the salaries of the Togolese’” said a dejected Robertson.
“And then I added ‘and buy them all the Kraft Dinner they could ever dream of!’” added a clearly distraught Paige. After a pause and a quick look away to hide a looming tear Paige continued: “Well as fate would have it, Otto Pfister was there and he took us up on the offer. I mean jeeze, what were we thinking?!? It was an all ages show! At a brothel! Of course Otto was gonna be there!”
The controversy doesn’t stop with the Canadians in Germany though, it seems that in support of their jailed players Canadian soccer fans in the homeland have rallied together and started a mass emailing campaign aimed at filling FIFA’s bandwidth and shutting down their server. When questioned about the possibility of banning Canadian IP addresses from his website, FIFA president Seth Blatter had this to say: “Dude! How many serious Canadian soccer fans are there? Like 7? Maybe 8? My son takes up more of my bandwidth downloading those horribly longs songs by their nasally troubadour Neil ‘Not so’ Young.”
Well it’s not all bad in the Canadian soccer scene these days, it seems as though rapper Snow has used his single name status to infiltrate the Brazilian soccer camp and has turned informer for the Germans. “Oh it’s a great success” said Snow in a sausage vendor’s uniform outside the Brazilian hotel. “Once I found out where they were staying, the Germans positioned me here and my schnitzels have contributed to a 5 kilo increase in Ronaldo’s weight ever since!”

With files from the International Press, 2006.

Shotgun Diplomacy Finaly Comes Through for Bush in Dokdo/Takeshema Controversy

Pyongyang- Troubled by the imminent possibility of a North Korean missile test, President Bush has made the first diplomatic decision of his career that is supported by most of his peers. With trouble looming between Japan and North Korea over the test, the doors to diplomacy between the two nations were opened last weekend by a surprisingly enthusiastic American contingent.
“I just had a harebrained idea and without Rummi around to tell me I was wrong I decided to pitch it.” Said Bush before throngs of supporters at a United Nations Gala Monday.
“As you know our military is fairly busy right now.” He continued to a chorus of laughs “And all reports out of Asia tell us that those crazy Koreans won’t shut up about that stupid rock out there in the middle of the ocean, which continues to escalate Korean/Japanese tensions. It would be a drastic blow to our armed forces should a conflict arise in the southeast, so I got ‘em all together and told the North Koreans to go ahead with their test just as long as they aim it at the rock.”
It seems as though the South Koreans got on board right away.
“They just said: ‘Let’s give it to ‘em after all, let them re-name it Takeshema and when the North blows it up it’ll go along way towards helping with our re-unifications plan’”. Said a beeming Bush.
The Japanese who seemed to have little or no idea about a rock in the waters between the two countries agreed simply because the missiles were no longer going to be fired over their country.
Possibly the only person opposing this great plan is United Nations Ambassador and World Bank Leader runner-up, Bono. The Irishman has recently been campaigning for all of the Asian nations to donate 1% of their GDP in aid to the impoverished citizens of Dokdo. He added: “It seems that throughout history the American way of dealing with things has been to blow it up and this has to stop now!”
When told of these comments, a witty Bush had this to say: “If Bono knew anything about American history he’d know that Martin Luther King Jr. was shot in the afternoon, not the early morning as he claims. The CIA paid good money for that assassination so get it right you bozo!”
That’s telling ‘em Georgy boy!

Korean Pop Princess to English Superstar: "I'm Gonna Get Cha!"

Seoul – Korean pop star Hyori Lee, who was sued this March by attorneys representing Britney Spears for copyright infringement on one of Spears’ songs has reportedly replicated the efforts of the Louisiana beauty once more, this time in the dating arena.
“Oops she…” This reporter doesn’t even want to go there.
Lee was quoted last month as saying: “You know I’m jealous of her. Not because of her musical success but because of her ‘Pabo’ husband.” In Lee’s eye, being married to such a buffoon creates an image of even greater independence and strength for Britney. “Here’s a woman who has reached the absolute pinnacle of success and done it while carrying in tow an absolute lead shot of a husband. Being with Federline makes climbing Suraksan, like Everest and I want people to see me in that light too.”
For Lee, 26, in whose native Korea reaching the age of thirty without being married is punishable by death, the time is now.
And with the world cup of football on televisions around the world these days she didn’t have to look far.
“Prior to the championship I was watching one of those sportscaster prediction shows and when his photo came on screen I instantly sang to myself: ‘Wayne Rooney! I’m Gonna Get Cha!’”
Apparently it was love at first sight. “I saw an interview with him and instantly knew that the only man uglier, stupider and more likely to drag anyone attached to him into the ditch than Kevin Federline, was Wayne Rooney.”
In the time since then Hyori has been fiercely wooing her idiot beau. She reportedly nursed his injured foot back to health in record time by feeding Wayne the Korean hangover drink that she endorses, Beeta Oh Beck (Vita500) and has since been seen rooting for the Englishman in his countries football contests. “When friends see us together they think I’m with Gandolf. And when he speaks they just can’t stop laughing.” Said an absolutely jubilant Lee. “While Kevin has been wasting Britney’s money to chase an unattainable rap contract, Wayne’s been using mine to chase [45 year old Liverpool prostitute] Old Slapper! Together we shall conquer the World!”
And what do most Koreans think about their pop princess chasing a man whose flag so closely resembles that of their bitter enemy the Swiss? Our Australian correspondent, David Smeaton had this to say: “The Koreans are VERY ANGRY.”

The Rise and Fall of Charles Wells

April 5th, 2005

A song about a friend whose fallen in love but has to keep it a secret.

The Rise and Fall of Charles Wells

It was a Wednesday, or maybe it was Thursday
When Julius called me, said we're going to New York

I packed up my bag, put in my favourite shirt
Might get lucky, might hit paydirt

It was a long drive, at least 13 hours
But it was worth it, because I found her

She wore a green gown, like a surgeon
and when I saw her, my blood started curdling

She said: "Servus!" and it blew my lid
I can't explain it, Ich Liebe Dich!

We talked on messenger for a month or so
And she loved me and I loved her

Our relationship, it flourished
Despite the distance, I had persistence

I bought her flowers and a bermuda trip
You think you know courtship? Man I invented it!

And as the time wore on our love grew hotter
Had to ask her father if I could marry her

He was a butcher from Iran
And when I saw him, man I ran!

He pulled out his knife and started chasing me
And as I ran away I heard him scream:

MY NAME IS ALI! YOU'RE DATING MY DAUGHTER!
SO I'M GONNA HAVE TO KILL YOU! AND CUT YOUR BALLS OFF!

MY NAME IS ALI! AND I'M GONNA HAVE TO KILL YOU!
YOU FUCKING INFADEL! YOU'RE GONNA BURN IN HELL!

Trying to Lose

February 26, 2006

Christania, Denmark

-I'm Vance Reemer, reporting here from Christania, Denmark the site of the world's free olympiad. As you know, here at the Free Olympics the athletes aren't "pound"ed into submission by the world doping agency and are free to use any substance they want to enhance their performance. As promised, with me here is mr. Cocker Tfoak, head of the rules committee of these first free games.
First of all, can I call you Tfoak?
-Tfoak isn't really my family name, over generations we've had so many hyphonated names in my family that I now just go by an acronym.
-Oh, is that true? And what does it stand for?
-Two-fifths-of-a-kilogram.
-I can see why you go by Tfoak. How 'bout Cocker, is that an acronym too?
-No, my name is actually Cock but as "Head of the rules committee of the free olympiad" I aim to become a very recognizable public figure so I lengthened the name to avoid any unnecessary mocking in the press.
-Well, I suppose that's very responsible of you.
-What, lengthening my name?
-No, aiming to be a recognizable public figure. Your role as the head of the rules committee at the free olympics is a very important one.
-Thank you, I know.
-But I'm confused.
-About what?
-Well you role, exactly what do you do?
-I ensure that the athletes aren't cheating.
-And how might an athlete cheat at the free olympiad?
-Oh there are many ways, but let me give you an example. Yesterday evening as I was making my 7:00pm amphetamine distribution round at the athletes village I caught the American Cross Country Ski team drinking beer and eating pizza with the German women's bobsleigh and ice dancing teams.
-And why mr. Tfoak, is drinking beer and eating pizza considered cheating?
-Well, as you know many unscrupulous nations have used our olympiad as a kind of propaganda tool to demonstrate their supperiority at events where performance enhancing substances are banned.
-How so?
-Well by losing at our event they're attempting to prove that their non-drugged athletes are superior to the ones who use enhancing substances and therefore doping doesn't help them.
-Huh?
-THEY'RE TRYING TO LOSE!
-And you consider this cheating?
-Of course we do! Trying to lose is not the true spirit of the Olympics! You know when I caught those Americans and Germans partying last night (and after curfew I might add!) Not only were they consuming two banned substances but the German bobsledders were conspiring with their ice dance team to switch events! If I hadn't caught them, paying cable subscribers all over the world would have witnessed the ice dance team put the bobsleigh into a pirouette in turn four while Karin, the deft bobsleigh pilot attempted to lift and spin her 200kg brake-woman Olga above her head!
-Well I do see a breach of the rules there, you can't have two women competing together in the ice dance.
-Actually, on account of all the testosterone she's injected Olga has qualified to participate in both women's and men's events.
-So she's clean then.
-As clean as the needles we provide at the safe injection house.
-Wow, it's quite an interesting dilemma you have. Any other interesting situations you've encountered?
-Well the South Koreans only enrolled in events that Japan was guaranteed to medal in because they wanted to prove to the world that the only way the Japanese could beat them was by using drugs. Then they became extremely upset when American short-track speed skating star Apollo Anton-Ono apparently pushed a korean skater over the finish line which caused him to qualify for the 1500m final. And then there's the canadian press who are up in arms over the non-inclusion of Todd Gill on their men's hockey team.
-But Todd Gill must be almost 50 now!
-He is, and he's gotten worse with age. It seems as though if the Canadians don't finish dead last with the greatest negative goal differential the whole country will be thrown into a crisis. Canada only lost 1-0 in their first game to Uzbekastan and allready sports editors all over the country are calling for the resignation of executive director Bob Probert.
-Wow, 1-0 that's a close score. I didn't catch the game, what happened?
-Steve Smith, who qualifies for the games because of his use of Sudafed to control a sinus problem, managed to bank one in off the pad of his own goalie, Grant Fuhr, in the 17th round of a shootout.
-Jeeze! The canadian press will be all over that one, most sports writers I read were calling for a loss by 15 goals or more.
-Well many Canadians feel that mr. Probert should not have even travelled to Denmark with the canadian team because his recent stint in a drug rehabilitation clinic might have a positive effect on them.
-I wonder why the Canadian women's hockey team has been so successful at being woefully awful while the men's have not.
-Their star player carries her little son onto the ice every time they play. With him in her arms she has absolutely no chance to hold a stick, let alone score a goal. In fact the women were so bad that they were thrown a congratulatory party last night where Canadian rock act "The Lowest of the Low" performed.
-How appropriate. I guess you're pretty upset about this Canadian hockey drama taking away from your event.
-Oh quite to the contrary, we felt that we needed as much controversy as possible from the Canadian contingent for the games to be considered legitimate.
-Oh really what else have they done?
-I caught their cross-country team skiing with broken poles and if that isn't enough one member of the team stopped at one point to give a pole to Norwegian coach and that slowed her down even more. And, in the pairs figure skating competition the Canadian pair of Rick Moranis and Rita McNeil have launched a protest after learning that the french judge gave them a score above zero... out of pity.
-Just out of curiosity, since the Canadians are trying to lose, whose music do they dance to?
-Rick's in the free skate and Rita's in the compulsory.
-Good God! The Canadian team should be sent home!
-Oh they're not the only ones causing problems. I sent the Danish police on a wild pursuit through the North Sea and into Sweden after an Austrian men's mission who had infiltrated the athletes village and were trying to lure athletes away from drugs and into the church.
-What happened?
-Of course we caught them and we discovered a dozen bound copies of Gideon's bible in the trunk of their car that they smashed into a police barricade. The bibles we found in the car matched the ones we uncovered in the athletes village.
-How terrible!
-Even the anthem singers got in on the act when the Americans enlisted Bob Dylan to sing the Star Spangled Banner after hearing Neil Young's version of Oh Canada.
-How did those go over?
-They were so bad the networks pulled us from the air for a full two hours. On the plus side though both singers embody the spirit of our games through their long histories of illicit drug use.
-Have there been any other famous people involved with the games, maybe in a feel-good capacity?
-Well it's not feel-good but American biathlete/Vice President Dick Cheney earned the Us it's 5th DNQ of the games by shooting at other competitors rather than the target.
-That must've gotten the networks attention.
-No, they were too consumed with reporting one of histories great role reversals.
-Oh, what was that?
-President Bush was on the sidelines cheering on Vice President Cheney!
-Goodness Gracious! Wow, unbelievable... Anyways, what are the medal standings like so far?
-Well this is the problem, so far nobody has qualified for a medal in any event.
-Who is doing the worst then?
-Canada led with 15 DNQ's going into to today's competition but then we found out that one of their snowboarders didn't actually smoke pot, but only inhaled it at parties where his friends were smoking. Because he doesn't actually use drugs we disqualified him from competition which erased his earned DNQ and put Canada into a tie with Sweden who has 14 DNQ's.
-Will the Canadians protest?
-Yes, they've allready contended that like most pot smokers the athlete in question was lazy and didn't have a job so in order to get his high he intentionally attended so-called "hot box" parties where his friends would fill a room with marijuana smoke and he could inhale for free. What upsets me about this case is that in light of the controversy the athlete has become the poster boy for the Canadian Hemp Clothing company that supplied their country's uniforms and he doesn't even smoke the stuff!!!!
-What drama! With all this controversy surrounding the games, how do you intend to keep the spotlight on you mr. Tfoak?
-That's a good question, I can't keep up. Right now you're the only network that even wants an interview because everyone is at the press conference of the American skier who is trying to connect with the Korean car he was conceived in.
-Wow, now there's a heartwarmer! What has he said so far?
-Just: "Dude, where's my Kia?"
-From the sounds of it he's a good role model for future athletes who may want to participate in your games. Is there anything you'd like to say to the kids out there?
-Yeah. You know, be a kid, have fun, losing isn't everything. These games are a celebration of sport and if you happen to come away with a medal that's ok, it's not the end of the world. We shouldn't put so much pressure on our kids to be mediocre or even bad. The free games aren't about sitting around beers and pizza and relaxing, they're about the kids and the kids showing off what they can really do. So kids if I can say one thing it's: go out there, be a kid, have fun, use drugs and show the rest of the world the true nature of competition and the free olympics!
-Stirring. Well that's all the time we have right now. Thanks again mr. Tfoak and stay tuned for America's favourite new reality show "Who wants to be an Olympian?" where overweight Mid-Westerners move to the US Olympic training facility in Lake Placid, New York and undergo cosmetic surgery in an attempt to motivate them to shed pounds and get in shape for a spot on the US 4-man bobsleigh team in 2010 in Vancouver.

Talking to Koreans

December 12th, 2005

Ottawa - Rick Mercer is at it again. Bored with the invevitable ignorance of the Americans he encountered on his first hit talk show "Talking to Americans" Rick has moved Southeast to continue the series in Korea.
Here's a preview of the first episode...

(Scene 1)
(Rick is sitting in KFC chomping down a chicken burger topped with Kim Chi when a young couple wearing matching shirts and holding matching blue bags with the letters P.M.S. in big white text scrawled across the front sit down next to him.)
Rick: I noticed you guys both have PMS and I can't help but thinking that our viewers back in Canada would like to know what's up with that?!
(The Korean couple look at the camera and they both put two fingers up to give the peace sign and say: 'Kim Chi!' which is Korean for "cheese!")
Rick: Hey guys, I'm not taking your picture I was just wondering...
Korean Couple: I'm sorry. Can I take picture of you?
Rick: I guess so uh...
(Two camera flashes go off.)
Rick: Uh don't you guys want to be in the picture?
Korean Couple to each other as they look at the backs of their respective digital cameras: Wow, oh, wow, nice, BEAUTIFULL.
Korean Couple: You are very handsome man! VERY BEAUTIFULL!
Audiences across Canada: Wow we're not even one minute into the show and already they've said something dumber than what we heard in 4 whole seasons of Talking to Americans.
(The Korean couple then both remove a big white text book with PMS in blue on the cover and put their MP3 players on so that they can study. Amazingly they start up a conversation while simultaneously listening to music with their headphones on.)
Rick: Ah so you're studying about PMS together so that you both can cope with it when it happens.
Korean Couple: (...)
(Rick removes the woman's earphones and puts the microphone right up against her face while giving his famous 'I'm from Newfoundland so it's funny when I do this' shrug.)
(The Korean woman looks at the microphone and then looks at her cellphone (which she is currently using to make a text message and have a phone conversation, while she listens to her MP3's and talks to Rick) and removes from it one of her 7 teddy bear key chain charms and attaches it to the base of Rick's microphone.)
Korean Man to Rick: It's more cute now.
(The Korean man then removes one of his teddy bear key chain charms from his cellphone and puts it on the video camera.)
Korean Woman: It's more cute now too.
Rick (in his funny way): Right.
(The camera now zooms in on the text book and reveals that P.M.S. stands for Pre-Medical School, which must be a hogwon or private after school academy that these two middle school students are attending.)
Wives across Canada to their husbands: Wow it's really funny to think that there are probably hundreds of kids across Korea studying PMS text books. You know honey, I've had a good laugh over that idea and the segment should probably end here.
Husbands across Canada to their wives: Yeah but I guarantee Rick won't let it die, I think he's still trying to make people get the 'This Hour has 22 Minutes' joke.
Rick (to the Korean man): So what's it like to be a man with PMS?
Korean Man: PSP? PSP Sony? Yes I have.
(The Korean man then pulls out his Sony Playstation Game Boy thing and puts one of it's headphones in his right ear while keeping his MP3 player headphone in the left. He starts up a game of Kart-uh Ride-uh and gives Rick a look that says 'Ok, we're having a conversation here, say something.')
Rick to the Korean woman (the decibel level of his voice has decreased by a factor of 100 to Don Cherry volume, but because it's Rick he sounds really deflated): So-it must-be hard-to have to-carry-PMS-with you-all the time-everywhere you go.
(Suddenly the South Korean Immigration SWAT team burst through the KFC windows, spray the small crowd of 500 KFC customers with machine gun fire and demand to see Rick's University Degree in Comedy. When Rick can't produce it he is hauled off to immigration. The SWAT team stays on the scene to clean up bodies and hand out cell phone charms to anyone who lost a loved on in the battle. 124 of the 500 patrons suffer fatally but nobody seems to mind because there is the potential that a horrible Canadian in Korea without a proper degree was apprehended.)
(End of segment 1)
(Segment 2 begins two weeks later with Rick sitting in immigration with his 'Newfoundland Univurzidy Duhploma of Madisen err I mean Being Phony, no it's Funny you dumbass' degree that he waited two weeks for his parents to make and send to him, which is being inspected in front of him.)
Immigration Inspector: Ok, this looks good to me, you've been assigned to teach English at Deung-Won Elementary School in Kang Seo district.
Rick: But I'm not an English teacher, I'm a comedian.
Immigration Inspector: Look we've kicked 73 liars out of this country already, do you want to be number 74 Mr. Mercer? If that is your real name!
(The CBC cuts to an infomercial that informs Canadians that the reason Koreans didn't have any problems with SARS is because they eat so much Kim Chi. For only 4 easy installments of $5999.95 you can own your own Hyundai automobile with a trunk filled with Kim Chi that now apparently makes you immune to bird flu!)
(Rick is back and on his first day on the job his Korean co-teacher has informed him that today he will be teaching 5th grade Korean students how to sing 'Let it Be'.)
Rick: Who wants to sing a song?
Students: (...)
Korean co-teacher: Strudents-uh rets sring song-uh!
Students: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Rick presses play on the computer and a horrible computer synthesized version of Let it Be fills the air.)
Paul McCartney: When I find myself in Times of Trouble
Rick: Who knows what it means to find yourself in times of trouble?
Students: (...)
Rick: Well if you're ever standing at the back of the class, staring at the teacher and holding your chair over your head because Ms. Lee told you you were bad you've found yourself in times of trouble. Understand?
Students: Ahh yes I know. I always times of trouble. I know.
Rick: Ok
Paul McCartney: Mother Mary comes to me.
Rick: Does anyone know who Mother Mary is?
Student: Mother Mary is Jesus mother, she is virgin, in Korea all mothers virgin.
Rick: I have a hard time believing that since the women in this country all wear skirts that in my country would be called belts but yes excellent answer.
Paul McCartney: Speaking words of wisdom.
Rick: Words of wisdom are very smart words, can anyone think of any really smart words in English?
Student: If you'd be loved, be worthy to be loved.
Student: Actions speak louder than words.
Student: Kill two birds with one stone.
Student: Haste makes waste.
Student: A friend in need is a friend indeed.
Rick: You kids have a hard time putting together 'I like apples' who the fuck taught you to say those things?
Rick's co-teacher: In Korea it's important that children learn important American expressions so that they can look smart during business meetings.
Student: You had me at hello.
Rick (in his funny way): Right.
Paul McCartney: Let it Be.
Rick: Hey that's a great idea, let's forget about this song for a second, who knows what day it is today?
Students: (...)
Rick's co-teacher: No Mr. Rick, it's very important for our students that they learn American pop songs.
Rick: Fine, I'm sorry.
Paul McCartney: And in my hour of darkness.
Rick: Ok so that means you were bad again, maybe this time you were so bad that Ms. Lee had to hit your hands with her flute.
Students: Oh yes, I know hour of darkness, I always hour of darkness.
Paul McCartney: She is standing right in front of me.
(Rick stands with his arms pressed against his sides, his knees together and his chin up and says:)
Rick: What am I doing?
Students: (...)
(Rick's co-teacher jumps up and yells:)
Rick's co-teacher: STANDING!
Rick: I know you know. I was asking the students.
Students in unison: STANDING!
Rick: Do they just repeat everything you say?
Rick's co-teacher: No in Korea we teach our students to communicate, repeating words is not an effective way of learning English.
Students in unison: No in Korea we teach our students to communicate, repeating words is not an effective way of learning English.
(Rick asks again)
Rick: Ok, now does anybody know what I am doing?
Star Student: Standing!
Rick: Yes good.
(Rick walks over to the student and stands right in front of him)
Rick: Now, where am I standing?
Star Student: (...)
Rick: Forget it.
Paul McCartney: Speaking words of wisdom
Rick: Does anybody remember what words of wisdom are?
Students: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!
Students: A bird in hand is worth two in the bush!
Students: Absence makes the heart grow fonder!
Students: Heal the world, make it a better place!
Rick: Tomorrow's lesson will be on the word wisdom. But let's finish off for today first.
Paul McCartney: Let it Be. Let it Be, Let it Be, Let it Be, Let it Be, Whisper words of Wisdom, Let it Be.
Students: Let it Be. Let it Be, Let it Be, Let it Be, Let it Be, Whisper words of Wisdom, Let it Be.
Rick: Wow great! Ok let's sing the whole song now.
(Rick stops the song, finds the beginning and presses play.)
Students: When uh bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh trouble
Bluh bluh bluh comes bluh me
Bluh bluh words bluh wisdom
LET IT BE! (screamed)
And bluh bluh hour bluh darkness
Bluh bluh standing bluh bluh bluh me
Bluh bluh words bluh wisdom
LET IT BE! (screamed even louder)
LET IT BE! LET IT BE! LET IT BE! LET IT BE!
Bluh bluh words bluh wisdom
LET IT BE!
(As windows in the classroom start to shatter along with television sets all across Canada the CBC cuts to their British foreign reporter who is on the scene of Paul McCartney's apparent suicide in Liverpool. The camera shows McCartney's face covered with smeared make-up apparently because it was very difficult for the make-up artist to do her work on a corpse that wouldn't stop rolling over.)
(End of segment 2)